how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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