dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Randomize
