I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
