good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
