It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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