I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
