you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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