he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize