I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He? As in you personified your dick?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
