my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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