if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
