the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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