Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
