Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
