he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
