god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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