I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My dick has a subreddit
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
