conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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