Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
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Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sorry about my life...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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