while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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