My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pants are for mortals
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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