I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My balls are so social today.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
don't judge my taste in strippers
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
