no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh god it's open bar.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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