omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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