I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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