If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
How external is "for external use only"?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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