I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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