i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Randomize
