why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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