that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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