How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
