I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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