Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
