I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
