I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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