Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
