There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
it glows. i had to have it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.