Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.