I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
