I wish I could punch you in the face.
The maid of honor just puked.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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