that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
