Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
