my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
