I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
