sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
