There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
