First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
