If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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