My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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