The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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