your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
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between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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