Already got asked if we're dating
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
