look no pants
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
