I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
