I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
