Whod you bang
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
