I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
